It’s been a while since I last posted, and it was not a positive post. It’s been a while since I did much of anything, to be honest. Eryn’s passing was particularly painful – and still is. But things did not stop there, unfortunately. Every time her insurance claim or vet bills came up, it started the cycle all over again. We were even given the opportunity to adopt one of Eryn’s younger siblings, something that I was (still) not ready to face. This started a whole new cycle of guilt and conflict.
Besides Eryn, I lost someone else. At the beginning of March, my grandfather passed away. He wasn’t sick, as far as we know. And from what they’ve found, he passed away peacefully, taking a nap in his chair. But after Eryn, I was not ready for that news. I live abroad from my family, and was unable to be there for them, with them. He wanted no funeral – I can understand, after going through my grandmother’s arrangements when she was sick and dying years ago. So, I took a day off work as sick, and then soldiered on, 3600 miles away.
The two deaths and their various entailments seemed to drag on for months – every month, there was something that threw me back into it. I think it was around May that I started to notice my health was starting a gradual but steady dive. My hormones stopped working. I’ve got tendonosis (tennis elbow) in my right arm. I’ve not slept an decent night’s sleep in six months. And now, I have chest pain when I get stressed, so I have been given anxiety medication (which I can only take sparingly, because of my asthma).
I have tried to cope, to stay tough and just keeping going forward – but I am obviously failing. So this sombre post is mostly just to warn that I don’t know when I’ll be sharing again. I am getting help, at some point soon. It’s just not quite yet, so I’m still just trucking along as low gear, trying not to break anything.